So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either married, or in committed relationships. You have grown weary of the singles scene, and the solitary life. Therefore, you must be ready, right?
As a society we’ve moved through the old paradigm, of getting your needs met in relationships, and it has proven itself to be a miserable failure. Why? Attempting to get your needs met in your relationship, causes some troublesome things to happen. First, it causes you to focus mainly on your needs and not on the desires of your partner. Secondly, it sets you up for disaster because it has you believing that you deserve something that may well not be delivered.
It is particularly important, to develop the realization, that your feelings can deceive you, in your relationship with your partner. This can be difficult for people raised during the honor your feelings era of relationships. Your feelings tell you things like, I can’t believe she could do something like that to me, or, How could she treat me so badly? These feelings are the result of your own low self-esteem and your own personal history of victimization.
Take an inventory of past traumas and related major issues. You should mentally review these and honestly look at how well you have already addressed and resolved them. As you work through each, ask yourself, “Is this impacting me negatively in my present life.” Also explore with yourself the possibility that the issue could become problematic once you have entered into an intimate relationship. If you believe that there are things you have not yet adequately dealt with, you need to go to work on these. If you are unsure, then they bear closer examination. Consider utilizing resources such as therapy or joining a support group. An example of such issues can include, but not be limited to; emotional, physical or sexual abuse in childhood, parents’ divorce, loss of a parent or other loved one, or a past abusive or dysfunctional love relationship.
So how does one find that ideal relationship? The key thing is to focus on creating your ideal life. To attract and create your ideal relationship, shift your focus away from attracting a partner and wanting a relationship. Focus instead on creating the kind of life that you truly want. The kind of life that excites you so much that you jump out of bed every morning. Once you are in such a clearing, your dream partner can simply walk in and join you. The dream relationship should be the icing on the cake that is your life, and not the end all and be all of your life.
Do you know what you want from a relationship? We enter into relationships for many different reasons and with many different expectations. Knowing what yours are will help you to determine if this is the right relationship for you. Too often we “choose” someone using an unconscious level of thought as our primary input. It is there that we hold our deepest unmet needs, fears and desires. Unfortunately, there is often a chasm between our conscious and unconscious selves that keeps this information “hidden” from our rational and thinking side. Therefore, it is very important to examine all of your feelings and needs regarding any future relationship. Honestly look at what you must have and cannot live without. You must know what you want and need from a future partner in order to choose the right one for you.
How’s your self-awareness and self-esteem? If you do not possess adequate self knowledge and a positive sense of self; an intimate relationship will be difficult or impossible to sustain. For instance, do you know yourself well enough to answer the following? Can you state your most deeply held values? Do you know what you can’t live with or without in a relationship? Do you have a good grasp of your life goals? Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses? Now, do a quick assessment of your self-esteem. How do you see yourself? How do others see you? Remember you present different selves: at work with family with friends in gatherings with acquaintances. If your answers tell you that you have difficulty accepting and liking yourself, or if others frequently respond negatively to you in your interactions with them, then this is an area you should begin work on. Self-love is at the foundation of all healthy relationships.
How a person solves problems has a significant impact on their relationships. A person that uses positive communication skills is very good at solving problems when they communicate. Using positive communication skills such as kind, non-accusatory language, sincere listening, probing questions to seek understanding, a smile, eye contact, etc. In other words they aren’t always communicating negativity. Yes, negative communication also includes the silent treatment.
At the core of every healthy relationship is honesty. Can you imagine trying to form a relationship where lying and deceit are common? Wouldn’t you much rather be in a relationship with someone who you know is completely honest with you? Don’t forget that integrity also requires that people be completely honest with themselves. For example, if you are upset, angry and agitated but don’t acknowledge it, you are deceiving yourself and your partner.
While it’s true that your partner may treat you in a way you don’t like sometimes, it’s not true that you need to react to it with strong negative feelings. These strong negative feelings are a reflection of your own esteem issues. They also have a way of keeping your partner engaged in the struggle with you so that you can continue to blame each other. When you are both engaged in the struggle, you’ll believe that she needs to be fixed. She’ll think the same of you. Nobody wins and everybody loses. This isn’t very smart or effective.
So stop looking over at your partner and seeing all of the flaws. Stop blaming him for everything that happens. She has issues just like we all do. But if you see them as a collection of flaws you’ll have no chance at a successful relationship. And it’s successful relationships in life that make us truly happy.
